All posts by troysimera

Does Race Matter? It Does (Unfortunately)

It really shouldn’t though.

More often than it should be, I have gents asking me what went wrong in their dating pursuits. They walk me through their processes and approaches, their “lines”, their outfits, and what have you. Of course, anyone can embellish a story to make it seem like they did no wrong, so with a few of them, I actually follow them “into the wild” if you will. What I see is immensely disappointing, but not surprising. There are many women out there who still treat men differently based on their skin color.

I touched on this in my book, and I’ll expand upon it further. There are forces in various mediums (especially media, music, and finance) who pull strings all the time to make certain races get looked at different lights. Minorities get painted in negative styles in music, movies, tv shows, and various other forms of media. Though there have been significant strides on shifting the perception, a lot of those efforts get drowned out by even more stereotypical appearances. There are people out there who are smart to see through the smokescreen, but unfortunately, there are a lot more people who happen to be susceptible to the nonsense. To take things further, there are young minority men who see these images and, wanting to so desperately belong to something bigger than them, embrace these images unto their own identity. There are a lot of women who will hold a strong resistance towards minority men in terms of actually accepting inquiries from them, a lot more stricter than from their Caucasian counterparts. This can be from what they see in the media, and even from what their parents instill in them from early age. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a favorite or form of preference in terms of attraction, but when one rules out people entirely due to skin color, you are in fact painting them as inferior, and thus instituting a form of racism.

Now, I can go on and on about this topic, but I would like to save that for another time and focus more on the observation and short-form solution. I want all men to succeed, so by these words, I’m not against any race whatsoever, and I just want there to be even footing on all accounts. For men of minority descent, I would implore you to be more attentive of the perception the media is trying to cast upon us, and go against it! For those that aren’t educated, go out and get educated! Better yourselves and your fellow man. For those that are educated, continue to pursue knowledge and strength. Help those around you and bring each other up. Take a stand and show people that you aren’t these “thuggish, violent beasts” society wants you to be known as. You as men, bring a lot more to the game than our female counterparts,  and to be dismissed for your skin color, is not something you should entertain. Take control of your representation and watch the world react in amazement!

Follow Up Messages

So it’s been popping up more and more of readers asking me questions that revolve around “I sent a message and got no response. Is it a no?” 8 out of 10 times, I see it as disrespectful to you, but ONLY if you typed up a great message that wasn’t clingy or obscene and/or crazy. 2 out of 10 times, the pursuit of yours could have genuinely been busy and missed your message in the sea of people being thirsty.

However, there has been advice columns giving out “tips” saying that women are perfectly fine ignoring people’s messages. I like to treat internet communication like in-person, face-to-face convos, so if it’s not something you can do in person, don’t do it online. It’s always comes back to you. Always. This goes for both men and women! If you’re a guy and you’re coming out of pocket, talking about “you like big dick?” off the bat, you need to kill yourself. If you’re a woman who gets a message from a guy that’s super respectful and you’re not interested, nothing wrong with just saying that. Fun fact: before I became the muscle bound gent I currently am, I was told that I was frail and stammered, or that I would speak too quietly. For a few years, I would try my pursuits, but no one wanted to speak up and I would just strike out, over and over and over again. It wasn’t until one particular woman I encountered spoke up respectfully and told me that “I didn’t seem confident; I didn’t seem like someone that could protect her if there was danger, and that she found it annoying that I’d have to repeat my words all the time.” All of this made sense. I didn’t take it as an attack, so you know what I did? I studied health and fitness. Not just for what she mentioned, but for me especially. The more I would work out, the more I gained confidence of self and mind. I then went and studied linguistics and communication. They say one of the most powerful tools in the history of man is the tongue, for those without the power of the tongue are the ones who fall by the wayside to the ones that do. The better and better I got in those aspects, I realized that I shouldn’t be intimidated, as now, I’m even the one doing the intimidation (though it’s not something I do on purpose at all). I learned a great deal all because of a woman who was bold enough to speak up. More than likely these women who are ignoring people are also getting ignored in their real life pursuits, so I’d say it’s best to just be bold and truthful. Of course, it should always be in a respectful manner; never forget that! If someone will take the time to disrespect you, then you should take it as a man, and go and do better instead of them. After all, it’s really going to be their loss, and not yours.

“Shape”

“You know what's interesting? More often than not, a man will generally be in better shape than his female counterpart. If this is the case most of the time, why should you be physically intimidated by women? ”
Troy Simera

Absolutes

“"I like to think of things in the form of absolutes. I'd rather hear a Yes or No. I'll take a Maybe if there is room for real depth or explanation. Otherwise, it's a waste of time."”
-Troy Simera

Miscommunication Between The Sexes

One of the main reasons I wrote my first project “They Don’t Want You To Win” was because there’s a terrible lack of understanding between men and women. One feels they’re owed everything and another feels they don’t have to work much. These qualities are interchangeable amongst the sexes and you have both sides trying to give their form of “advice”, which happens to make things worse. You have unqualified people trying to qualify your life and tell you what worked for them in hopes it works for you. It seems these days they don’t even care what happens to the people listening to the advice in the first place and just want to line pockets.

Men are often told to do things the way women will instruct them to, but women themselves won’t even adhere to the standards they set. Men are often told to be aggressive in their pursuits, and that “it’s a number game” and that they should do what they want, regardless of the consequences. Oddly enough, besides idiot guys telling men to do it, it’s starting to come from women as well. Sabotage!

I don’t aim to steer anyone to confusion. I won’t, for that matter.

The best way to clear the confusion between the sexes would be to stop letting your actions be guided by what the other sex thinks they would want. If you want to buy her flowers, do so because she actually said she loves them, not because you saw it in a movie. If you want to run her feet, do so because she actually asked for it, or better yet, she offered to rub yours. Ladies, if you’re not interested or if you are interested in someone, let them know. Don’t doddle or hold someone’s admiration captive. People will resent you for it. Same thing for men as well. There are genuine women out there who have been hurt by a man who wasn’t forthright.

Everyone should state clear intentions from the get-go. If you getting intimate, talk about what boundaries/expectations are and live up to them. With honesty and knowing what’s what, there is no questions, no mysteries, and more importantly, no headaches.

Making Money Off Of Your Advances

So let’s say you’re an entrepreneur and you have X amount of dollars. You want to buy into a business, expand your market, and grow your stock, right? Cool. You’re walking along a strip in the city and all these companies are continuously vying for your attention. “Come invest with me!” “Let’s make money together!” “We’re going to make it to the top together!” etc, etc. Big brands, mom-and-pop shops, everyone wants you to get into their action.

If you go up to a company, any company at all, and invest whatever amount you feel into it, and this company took the money and ignored you; how would you feel? Doesn’t matter if you invested $100 or $100,000. If you put money into a company and no one got back to you or even acknowledged what was spent on what or even operations, you would feel disrespected and duped, right?

Your time is your money.

The mere notion of you saying, “Hi. How are you today?” is an investment of your time. It can be frivolous (which I don’t always recommend) or it can be genuine, but regardless of the amount of investment, there should always be a return on the investment (provided you’re respectful about it). I would never advocate a guy acting like an asshole and expecting the red carpet.

If you’re non-asshole like, and you’re putting an investment, you better be looking for returns, or else, you are not in the habit of good business practices. Instead of just being frivolous with your money, learn the value of saving and proper investing. Look for opportunities where you can step and make a name for yourself. If the opportunity doesn’t present itself, you make the opportunity, so long as you don’t look like an idiot doing it. When you make more than you spend, then you my friend, are growing your stock and moving onto bigger business!

Silence Is The Best Answer

“If someone is wasting your time, always doing things or working to get your attention, but not giving you the time of day when you need it; you need to focus your efforts elsewhere and not give them the adoration they want. It's selfish of them and toxic to you. ”
- Troy Simera

“It’s All About Comfort”

A mistake that guys make very often when talking to women or even in their approaches is that they feel it needs to be a pick-up line to it. Some game of sorts or key set of moves. WRONG, WRONG, and WRONG.

It’s all about the comfort, baby!

Pick-up lines for guys are like men wearing Stiletto Heels (if guys wore those). It’s awkward putting them on, it’s ridiculous making sure the lines are right, and it may work on some chicks, but when you fall on your face; you fall hard!

Learn to treat your conversations like a pair of New Balance sneakers. You just put them on, and go about your day! They’re so comfy, you know how great your feet feel, but you’re not even thinking about it. Just talk to them with the candor you would talk to a great friend (not necessarily the same content though – pick wisely on that one!) and once she’s comfy, watch the magic work! If you find a great woman who engages with you back and forth, you won’t even realize how effortless it was until it was over.

What The Youth Can Learn From The Not-So-Youthful

Something that I’ve learned over the years is that a lot of women become more free-spirited when they’re older. There is a new vigor of directness and lessened room for being coy or playing emotional games. Younger women yearn for this freedom, but insist on keeping to what the “traditional” perception of what society says they should interact as. A lot of this comes from the fact that for most (if not all humanity), the physical appearance will surely weaken and wither over time, leaving them to become more resourceful in other forms of their lives; which can range from being more witty, to being more financially secure, or even going through great strides to tone their bodies. A lot of these attributes, men have to already go through to attract women, even much more. It shouldn’t be about appearances only in any form of relationship, but unfortunately, society has placed this mindset on a lot of impressionable youth and people unfortunately realize this later instead of sooner. It would be doing yourself a great service to talk to someone your age, then go and talk to an older woman, followed by going back and talking to someone in your age range again. The difference in style of conversation is uncanny!

“Eff Your Beauty Standards”

This ‘movement’, if you will, started from a plus-sized model named Tess Ryann, known as professionally as Tess Munster. It started as a means of loving one’s self as is and that beauty shouldn’t be defined by size or shape. This is a beautiful message and a genuine psychology that all should hold, and I would never talk down on it.

However, whether it was on her part or the fans themselves, the campaign took a turn and instead of the mantra that it heralded, it became a battle-cry for those who simply wanted to go “fuck it” in all aspects of life. The funny thing about it is this: if men were the ones who truly created or set these standards, how is it that men don’t enjoy the spoils of these standards? Why is it that men suffer the most in the realm of dating? Men can’t go “fuck it” and drop all regards and expect to be even remotely fruitful, so who are we claiming set these standards that this campaign is eff-ing? An average-looking woman can walk around Downtown in a Snuggie and bootleg Jordans and still get approached by suitors, but an average-looking male damn sure can’t, so how can we possibly try to imply that men are setting these standards when men themselves can’t even live by them?

We can only reach the conclusion that it’s mostly women setting these standards themselves, so if women are causing it, then the discussion doesn’t need to be using it as a ploy against men (because let’s face it, it’s silently aimed at men), but instead, it needs to open up the discussion of how we can communicate and express ourselves better. A discussion that needs to highlight the uneven nature of human communication between the sexes, and how we can rectify it.